i went crazy again today

all_thepromises @ 2009-06-29T21:32:00

2009-06-30T01:32:14Z

I'm starting up livejournal again-- this is official-- and yet I'm trying desperately to justify the revival of something I used in high school to keep track of crushes and feelings and, frankly, the beginnings of a depression I should've been dealing with then. Everything about blogging is so self-indulgent and self-celebratory. Something I spent a semester and twelve pages disparaging last year. (The cause [or effect?] of the look at me! look at me! generation). But I'm a part of it, I suppose. I sort of love it.

And to get past this..ugh..contemplating?...I'm going to get legit--

EVERYONE I CARE ABOUT (you know who you are):

GET BLOGGING.

Because I'm leaving and you're leaving and nenns is gone and I am incredibly awkward on the phone, and I never want to miss out on a joke. This is the dialogue I've set aside for today, Monday, June 29th 2009:

Michael Ped and I went to short beach today. We were lying near the dunes and a couple walked by with a husky pulling their canoe. We noticed the dog, commented on it.

Michael: That's what that dog should be doing.
Ari: What is that? A husky, right?
Michael: Yep
Ari: AHA! And I don't even like dogs. How long do you think it would take to do the iditarod?
Ped: The what?
Ari: The iditarod...you know...the iditarod?
Michael: I don't know.
Ari: It's the dog race....in Alaska...I think? You know....mush! mush!
Michael: Didn't they make a Disney movie about that?
Ari: In Ellen's book she made, like, one of my favorite jokes ever about it...she was talking about her goal of completing the iditarod and her mantra was "I can a rod, I will a rod, I win a rod, IDITAROD"
Ped: So what, it takes like..days?
Michael: Yeah, I think so, I mean you're going across the whole state right?
Ari: I don't know...I'm adding it to the list of things to do before I die.
Ped: Me too!
Ari: "Remember that time Ari and Ped won the iditarod?"
Ped: What a great segment for "what is chris ped doing right now"!
Michael: "What is Chris Ped iditaroding right now?"

LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH.

That's the one moment I'm setting aside for today. Enjoy it nennsy, you can do the voices and whatnot. I think I'll be happy if I set aside a little piece of dialogue a day until I leave.

all_thepromises @ 2009-06-23T01:48:00

2009-06-30T01:14:34Z

What I've learned: once your first goodbye has come and gone, each new departure will painfully, effortlessly, remind you of those that came before it.

In 2004 I said goodbye to more people than I ever really had. Three really stuck:

1. Caitlin: in the frontyard: I told her I loved her, a sentiment always assumed but never spoken. Timely and necessary, due to the rough summer that led us to that point.
2. Nennsy: standing in the driveway, car door open: She didn't drive with me to Fordham; I don't remember why. (Fordham! The Bronx! Could I have ever grasped California, Oregon?) She hugged me and said, Promise you'll be healthy. I wasn't, of course, and made the promise knowing full well I would break it, but none of that matters now.
3. Jimmy: of course: Lord knows eighteen year old Ari wrote this goodbye to death, but I remember mostly the fact that I forgot to sign his cast, and that I burst into tears the second I realized it.

All of the pain that, despite its distance, has not lost its significance.

I remember saying goodbye to Aunt Donna in 1997, or, rather, watching Aunt Donna say goodbye to Mom, the two of them crying, crying, crying. I remember thinking how unnecessary it seemed-- why choose to leave if it makes you so sad?

And here we are!
Here I am.

Constantly forcing myself to leave, and now, my sister too. Why do we do this? Did watching Aunt Donna cry and seeing my family leave anyway teach me some sort of misplaced dedication? To what-- a principle? Am I proving something? And what sort of happiness takes precedence? Happiness in people? Lifestyle? Surroundings?

People can leave, but does that mean I should/shouldn't?

Jackie! I was thinking tonight that I am not even a little prepared for how much I'm going to miss Jackie.

I've said goodbye to Emily more times than I can count; ours is a different kind of goodbye though-- it holds the optimism of pattern, recognition-- the goodbyes have nearly lost all meaning because we know they are more like good old-fashioned time-outs.

Andrew, of course, the letter.

Nick. My goodness, Nick. I don't remember him crying. I can't honestly say whether or not he did. Does that mean anything though? This is not something I should discuss-- this is not something I should dwell on-- it's just that the moment of his leaving, the act of his departure, is something I so rarely remember, and yet is something I should constantly remind myself of; truthfully, most of Nick was leaving, most of Nick was departure. I cried that night and what I remember most is feeling slightly ashamed because of it.

Tonight Nena hugged me and said, I can't even try to say goodbye to you, this just isn't going to happen.

(It always shocks me to be shown love-- not because I wallow in self-pity or think I don't deserve it, but because I so often question it, misunderstand it, condition myself to survive without it)

I told her, I love you, I love you, so much, and it will be fine. And it was so evident that we are still Danea and Arianna. We have never grown apart, we can never grow apat, this always stays the same.

So why do we leave-- especially something that is so perfect already? The house. The couch. The pool. The game nights. Is this era finished? No more snarky comments over wine on Mondays?

It can't be-- it's been far too solidified-- we are in too deep, we are in for keeps.

This is all awfully scary, and again I've come up with something chaotic and disorganized and yet, surprisingly, I'm feeling a little better.

Goodnight.

discoveries.

2008-12-08T06:03:59Z

i wrote this about him:

sometimes i want to tell you that i love you and how i love you
i should be able to tell you.
you are my boyfriend.

(of six+ months)

i dont know i dont know i dont know what to do

because lately, your actions show it. when you're not distracted by other people. and you are with me all of the time. but theres still this sadness, because i know something that i dont want to know. i am devious and suspicious and have read your words for her and they are nothing like you could ever feel for me, that you have ever shown to me. when we separate (and i know we will) maybe i will tell you. and hope that we can both find that for ourselves. because i love you so much it hurts. but when i love someone with that intensity, and he loves me with the same, that amount of hurt might convert into equal amount of happiness.

i wish it were you.

please make it easier and give me a real reason to leave you, please. something that would make sense.

oh god, i wish it could be you.

----

im finally ok with reading it because im finally okay with acknowledging that its over and that its good that its over (and that maybe it never should have been)

all of these stages that no one ever told me about.

all_thepromises @ 2008-07-02T13:10:00

2008-07-02T17:35:53Z

I've been considering switching to a different blogging medium. Isn't blogspot one of those respectable ones? (Is there a such thing as respectable blogging?) But the irony in livejournal is so perfect, and I love being able to switch gears and see what I was writing about in tenth grade-- much to my dismay (but hardly surprising) the names are interchangeable but the ideas remain the same.

Anyway.

I HATE my job. No really. Well, ok, fine, not REALLY-really. I mean I've done worse. CVS was worse. Target wasn't worse per se but I had just graduated and was dating Jimmy and working was cramping my super-emo-style. But there's something different about working at an office. Maybe its the vague notion that, theoretically, I could do this for the rest of my life. People do this for the rest of their lives. I could prove myself as a receptionist, make my way into billing, years later achieve office manager status. It's terrifying. And while there are some benefits, e.g. paid holidays, paid vacation, weekends off, kickass doctors, FREE BIRTH CONTROL!, there was something better about working in a restaurant, something easier to reconcile with myself. People who work at restaurants rarely do just that, you know? Few people are career waiters and even if they are, it usually comes with some valuable life skills, personality, "street smarts" or whatever you call it. It's that level of getting it that Jeff and I used to discuss at 7am, making eggs for ourselves before any real customers ordered. But do I want to go back to waitressing? Probably not. I'm too spoiled now. Sunday Funday and whatnot. And by the time I left JTs, I hated it too. Remember? I have very selective memory. And I guess I get restless. There's just something inherently soul-killing about my job. I can't put my finger on it (though it might have something to do with the discovery that there are people-- many people-- who haven't even heard of the Odyssey)

I think I just need a little more fulfillment in my life. Which I'm trying to do in my spare time, but then it only makes me resent my job even more. WHY WON'T SOMEONE PAY ME TO SIT OUTSIDE IN MY ANTI-GRAVITY CHAIR AND READ MRS DALLOWAY? Geez.

But, ten things to look forward to:
1. Two more months of Sunday Funday
2. Garage sale redux
3. Platinum blonde??! Is it happening??!!?!
4. Dark Knight midnight showing
5. Super Sexy Summer Party '08
6. American idol tour?
7. American idol AUDITIONS??? (I promised Dylan)
8. Guitar lessons with Mikey
9. Wine tasting
10. Montreal!

all_thepromises @ 2008-06-30T01:32:00

2008-06-30T05:47:01Z

I still love him. I mean, duh. Of course I do. It still hurts. Every fucking day. I don't know how to make it stop. I need it to stop. I miss him every day.

I talk a lot about how I was unhappy and how it was so bad and "can you believe [fill in the blank]?" but mostly it was good. When we were alone, it was good. It was pretty close to sublime. And that is what I think about late at night, or when a fun day ends and I think about how I would end it in bed with him, reading or watching a movie or IMing eachother in the same room and how how how do I make that stop? Those moments existed, that person existed, and I loved him; or, I love him. And I am trapped. He is gone and no one else is him. I can't bring myself to care an ounce about another man. Lord knows I want to. I try to love every man I meet. I try to fuck every man I meet. Fuck, fuck, fuck, until it's gone. This thing inside me. This pathetic longing for a person who, in so many words, renounced his existence in my life. He told me he didn't exist. He told me I never met him. So stop it already. Let go. Think of it as a death.

And all of these people. Telling me all of these things. Knowing it should help me, but it doesn't because they are wrong, they weren't there to see what was there when we were alone. How we lived off of each other. And maybe thats not healthy. But now I don't know what to do. Months later and I still don't know what to do.

His absence was supposed to make me happy, and it did, to an extent-- a vacant happiness. I do things I missed doing. I read more. I go digging for music. I write. I thought the loss of him would coincide with the return of me, but this isn't a me who I even really recognize or like anymore. I enjoyed Me with Him. I enjoyed him. I loved him. It was good. I mean, it was bad too. A lot of bad. But mostly-- honestly-- it was good.

this is almost an out-of-body experience

2008-06-17T04:34:41Z

Well, hello.

Let's jump past the part where I talk about how strange this is, how nostalgic, how late-night-on-Townline-Rd-listening-to-U2 this feels. Let's move on.

I feel that I am going to look back on 22 as a landmark birthday. I turned 22 this year and I felt it bringing some personal responsibility. Twenty-two is old. Twenty-two is graduating college (or having all of your friends doing it). Twenty-two is too old to be unhappy with your body/job/outlook on life. Twenty-two is nearing the age where one can legitimately feel regret and I am not about to let that happen. I've never believed in regret before, so why start now?

There are a lot of things I've missed. I miss writing. Oh, I miss writing. I really really missed music, and I've been slowly taking it back. I missed school-- thank goodness I'm back in school. I missed likeminded people. I missed moving and planning and taking action. I had settled into this complacency, waiting for something to move me and it never came until I turned 22 and thought "Let's begin."

This is going to sound strange but I've always been really happy about my relationship with myself. I know me very well. I ought to-- I've spent years staring within, examining and experimenting. Which makes this personal revolution quite exciting.

Does any of this make sense? I don't know; it's late. Welcome back, LiveJournal.

all_thepromises @ 2006-07-26T02:56:00

2006-07-26T06:58:30Z

i swore it off, i know. i said goodbye and it lasted a while. but right now its 2 41 and i need to get this out i NEED to get this out and emily is asleep in my room with my journal and i have this laptop sitting right in front of me and isnt it just perfect?

so lets get one thing straight:

you dont get to do this.

you do NOT get to do this. we have certain rights in our respective roles. i have the right to decide whether or not we will be friends and you have the right to accept or deny this decision. you do not have the right to make me feel bad about myself. seriously, dont worry, you got me good the first time around. i'm all set in the feeling badly about myself department, thankyouverymuch. so when i extend the olive branch of friendship (why why why why WHY? i know its not friendship, it cant be friendship, there CANT be a friendship after all this!) i dont know, maybe you could explain to me why you'd rather not go along with it.

or not. i dont know how this works. i remain now, as i always have been, a super douchebag who cares and thinks more about things than i rightfully should. i sing to rilo kiley, i write in livejournal and i vow to stop eating because when im skinny (like her, like all the hers that have ever been) NOTHING CAN GO WRONG! because really, how much does anyone ever change?

but god, by this point i ought to be the most adventurous girl on the block.

all_thepromises @ 2006-03-01T13:57:00

2006-03-01T20:23:48Z

im giving this up. ive tried to convince myself that there is a reason other than self-promotion to write in a livejournal. for myself, i cant find one. lately it disgusts me. writing in it and thinking about other people reading it. trying to prove myself. (as what? i dont even know). so from now on its my own regular journal for me.

farewell live journal, its been a long ride.

all_thepromises @ 2006-01-19T04:34:00

2006-01-19T10:57:07Z

ah i just want to go to bed and i can't. i used to be nocturnal. it doesnt fit me so well anymore.

everyone should go out and see match point. so fucking good.

i think its time for a bedtime story. this is a story about the

when i was in eighth grade altadena middle school had an event, much like smithtown high school, called the acoustic cafe. it was not as laid back and was more about the coffee and the food than the music, more about the audience than the performers, but it was generally a good time, or so i had heard.

i was new at altadena. i had begun to thrive on change after moving to arizona, and i decided that i was getting too comfortable at centennial after spending the sixth and seventh grades there. so a week before school started, i enrolled at altadena. at first it was exciting. i liked placing myself in trying situations and seeing how i came through. of course life in the suburban world of ahwatukee didn't throw too many of those trying situations my way, so i guess starting at a new school was the best i could come up with on my own. for the most part it was anticlimactic. i spent my life being very pleasant and it didnt change at the new school. i was never exciting enough to be popular but i was too nice to be shunned. i had acquaintances but no friends. i was awkward and overweight and was the last in my class to keep rocking the thick, eyebrow-brushing bangs, but i was not hideous. i was there. i was quiet. i was pleasant. not very much changed at all.

so october came and acoustic cafe flyers passed through the school. performers were needed. i dont remember when i decided i would try out. when i remember who i was at thirteen and what i was doing, i cant fathom how i thought it would be a good idea. maybe i was stronger then than i am now. or maybe i just dont give thirteen year old me enough credit. anyway. i had never sung by myself in front of a crowd. emily and i did a captivating cover of "for you i will" in sixth grade but we were singing along with monica's voice and for some reason, hers prevailed over ours. besides that, i had only sung in choirs at church and at school. but like i said earlier, this kind of frightened, chubby little girl liked creating trying situations. and singing in front of a new school? that would definitely do.

because i thought i was a poet and because it was 1999, i had my heart set on sarah maclachlan. i decided "angel" would be the way to go (they had just used it on an episode of felicity and i loved felicity and, god, wasn't noel so so so dreamy?) the tryout wasn't much of a tryout. i quickly recorded the instrumental version onto a cassette before my bus came that morning. the stereo i used was really old -- my sister had had it since her confirmation four years ago -- so the sound was shitty and echoing. but i sang the first verse and the not-so-discerning judges let me through.

i practiced for the next two weeks. i got a better instrumental version and brought it in, labeled and ready. i told emily about it, wonderful emily, my partner in crime, my loyal companion. my parents were coming (how horribly embarrassing! what social suicide!) and my aunt and uncle sent me flowers. i didnt really know how to explain that it wasn't such a big deal, that i would be singing one song along with many many other altadena students-- students far more talented, far more popular (i was sure of it), but i was excited nonetheless.

the night of the cafe, i pulled my bangs aside in a tres chic butterfly clip. i raided my sisters closet for the maroon wet seal shirt i loved so much, and i threw on a long black skirt and some chunky sandals (marshalls, $8, fantastic) i met emily at the school and she walked with me backstage. i was telling her about altadena. i was asking her about centennial. i was talking to her about ryan from my bus and how dearly i loved him and did she think he was going out with stephanie? because he kind of was teasing her, but it could be a brother-sister type of relationship. i was talking and talking and talking and i thought my jaw would unhinge because i had never experienced being so nervous and chattering so much because of it. soon i was told to stand at the yellow tape; i was on next. emily gave me one last encouraging hug and then went to meet my parents out in the audience.

i heard miss johnson announce my name. the curtain opened. i walked forward to the mic. the side door was open and i could feel the nice chill only an arizonan autumn can bring. i was looking around at the audience. (dont look into the spotlight) my glasses weren't up to date so i just saw blobs. my hands throbbed from holding the microphone so tight (do NOT look into the spotlight). the music started. i started to sing.

everyone says when they talk about singing in front of an audience, or doing anything in front of an audience, that its scary until you start. that once you start it gets easier and you relax.

i was scared the whole fucking way, man.

i was scared from the beginning to the end. but i was also happy and free and thrilled and DYING and watching and listening and laughing and singing singing singing.

there are three moments i disctinctly remember. i remember the second verse, when i thought i missed my cue and felt myself slowly melt into the stage until i heard my ACTUAL cue and thankfully started to sing again. i also remember deciding in the moment that i would try to get out of my head voice and belt "in this sweet madness" and being endlessly happy with that decision. and finally, i remember, on the last note, loosening my grip and feeling the blood flow through my hands again.

when the song ended i looked over at mrs johnson on the side of the stage and i smiled. i dont think that i smiled once the entire time i was singing. i must have looked like the song was causing me so much pain. the audience clapped and mrs johnson walked towards me with this kind of shocked expression on her face, this "thats the girl in the corner of my english class?" kind of gaping expression, and as i turned to walk off of the stage i heard her say "let's hear it one more time for arianna"

i remember how nice it was to hear her say my name like that, projected over the room. proof that i existed. proof that i was there.

lets hear it one more time for arianna.

i realized i was still smiling. i walked into the cafeteria. emily ran into me with another hug. i was still smiling. my dad kissed my head. "i had no idea" he said. i was still smiling. i passed ryan at the back of the room -- THE ryan! -- and he gave me a high five and a "yeah adrianna!" i mentally took the "d" away to make it a flawless moment. i was still smiling. i sat with emily and watched the rest of the singers. i thanked the elderly lady who told me i was going to "get somewhere." i got in the back seat of my parents' car and we drove home. i thought about how i would never be the same. i thought about how everything else would be the same. i still wouldnt be exciting enough to be popular but too nice to be shunned. i would still have some acquaintances but no real friends. i would still be goofy and clumsy and quiet in mrs johnson's english class. but we walked in the door and my dad gave me a hug and said "i had no idea" and, still smiling, i knew i would never be the same and i said "neither did i."

and that is the story of The Best Night Of My Life.

goodnight.

all_thepromises @ 2006-01-15T12:33:00

2006-01-15T00:55:12Z

in three days i will be home. i will land in newark and drive to new york and walk through my door and collapse on my bed and, in just three days, i will be home. but last night i was sitting in a welsh bar in new zealand (one that proudly claims to be "the only real welsh bar in the southern hemisphere!") and i was learning the welsh national anthem with a german girl, an irish boy, and a welsh man. i love moments like that, moments of realization of how strange this is. but one thing i have realized through meeting all of these different, incredible, and interesting people is how confident i am in the fact that i already know the coolest of the cool. and that i miss them and cant wait to see them and as much as i suffer from the wanderlust, i think id rather not leave them for long periods of time. so as much respect as i have for the people i have been meeting who are in their eleventh month of travels and still have nine more to go, im quite happy with what i have in long island-- my tapestry of humor, my regulars at jts, my toast wednesdays, my Real Down To Earth Girls, my diners (GOD i miss diners), my nip/tuck parties, the up-and-coming "michael and me" (which, incidentally, has been going on for the past year according to what ive been telling and *slightly* exaggerating to people). dont get me wrong, i fully intend to continue doing a couple weeks here and a couple months there. i just think that after the six month mark i would start to lose it. and im kind of okay with that.

all_thepromises @ 2006-01-11T17:15:00

2006-01-11T05:32:44Z

im back in wellington and im going to be an asshole and brag about what ive been doing.

first of all my scalp is KILLING ME because its completely burned, as is the rest of my body, because apparently the ozone layer is really messed up above new zealand? and im going to get skin cancer and die.

but anyway. i was in christchurch the past couple of days, which is a complete ghost town. even though i had to walk around for 20 minutes before i could find somewhere to eat, it was very pretty and i did like it. THEN i went on the tranzalpine to the southern alps and stopped in arthur's pass to do some hiking with my new aussie friend, anita. which was absurdly beautiful. and the train ride was awesome because they have an open air car, so you can basically stand outside as you pass all of the mountains and the plains and the wild, running sheep (which are everywhere) and i kind of really love everyone from new zealand because anytime you ever pass someone on any means of transportation they wave at you. they see you on the ferry, they wave. they pass you on the train, they wave. i love it love it love it. also, i was on the train this morning sitting across from this tiny old new zealander man wearing a hat that said "perfect 10". if i had enough guts i would have asked him for a picture because it made me laugh everytime i saw it, and i think it would continue to make me laugh anytime i looked at the picture. but i didnt want to insult him.

omg ALSO i went to seatoun which this fantastic beach town on the outskirts of wellington and not ONLY did i see the house orlando bloom lived in (sigh) and not ONLY did i eat in viggo's favorite cafe and not ONLY did i see the house that peter jackson currently lives in and his oscar standing in the window, BUT. I SAW. AN URUKAI. im kind of the exact person no one wants in new zealand. but yeah, he was standing in the window of the weta workshop studios and i took a picture of him and hes huge and horrifying and im dying just thinking about it.

in other news, im sitting next to the dreamiest dreamboat in the whole wide world and we keep making fun of how slow the computers are and making each other laugh and hes from germany but he often visits his friends in the east village and i stole jenna's life for a second and told him i live in the east village (sorry jenna. if you ever want to steal any part of my life, you can) but it doesnt matter, i dont want to marry him, i just kind of really want to make out with him. a lot.

ill post further updates.

all_thepromises @ 2006-01-07T07:27:00

2006-01-05T18:35:05Z

so im in new zealand.

its crazy, right? yesterday was basically filled with my walking around wellington and stopping every couple of minutes being like "wait. really?" the city is beautiful. a different kind of beautiful though. its not like its this old city that is breathtaking, its just so strange seeing a city on one side of you and the pacific ocean and mountains on the other. i miss EVERYONE SO MUCH and im already getting a bit homesick. but i feel like it will get better as it goes on. im a boner and just brought the wire to upload my pictures, and then on the plane i realized its useless without my laptop. so im either going to buy another memory card (since i already filled up this one yesterday. whoops) or just get a whole bunch of disposables. who knows.

anyway.

its 7 30 in the morning (but 1 30 pm to me) and im awake and anxious but nothing is open. so i think im going to go trek up mt victoria.

YES. im going to trek up mt victoria.

im such an asshole.

OMG MISS YOU ALL <3

all_thepromises @ 2005-12-31T17:14:00

2005-12-31T22:57:08Z

this is what i wrote regarding new years eve 2004:

i was all bummed about the new year being right now, about how i wish i could stall it and wait until i was ready to make some optimistic beginning. then i realized that every day is the first day of a new year and im not going to condemn 2005 just because on the day of its birth im still 75% the version of me from 2004.

which is why the whole concept is ridiculous to me, resolutions especially.

its hard to say whether or not i agree with this statement today. i think, maybe, 2004 and 2005 cant be looked at as individual years. they are a package deal. individually, they were swallowed up. together they kind of make sense. i cant remember any distinct events, just the passing of time. i feel like i havent changed because i feel the same way i did yesterday. and yesterday i felt the same as the day before. and that day i was the same person as the day before that. and so on. regardless, from the distance i am at now, i feel like i will classify 2004 as "rock bottom" and 2005 as "putting things back together" and i think 2006 will be "THE COMEBACK", whereupon i will re-enter the real world.

anyway.

happy new years!

all_thepromises @ 2005-12-31T00:40:00

2005-12-31T06:11:47Z

i'm a weird girl. i show the way i feel about people by carefully placing them on my lord of the rings-styled buddy list. i talk faster than i think. i make overbearing first impressions, tonight involving mace. i think nothing is funnier than a typo, except maybe speaking the typo. sometimes i'll reenact something in my head and i'll find myself making all of the facial expressions that go along with the scenario, so i'll stop and quickly look around to see if anyone was watching. im going to new zealand by myself for no real reason, but im pretty sure, by some kind of subconscious logic, it has something to do with my not having a license. im weird. i know that. and i can appreciate it, now, after years of self loathing (aka "middle school") and character building ("high school"). i just wonder sometimes if ill be able to find someone else who will appreciate it. someone besides my equally quirky bffs. someone who might let me kiss them every now and then.

anyway.

whats going down for new years?

all_thepromises @ 2005-12-25T01:43:00

2005-12-25T07:12:29Z

i just came back from midnight mass. i am ashamed to say that i did sleep. in fact, while the priest sidestepped coming up with another christmas homily by just playing a country song about god, i slept. i slept and dreamt about lost. im not sure about what exactly, but sayid was definitely there. then everyone stood up and it startled me. i opened my eyes and said "jesus!"

something here just isnt right.

i cant, as a logical person, make myself believe. i used to, blindly. i miss it. i just. i dont know.

but i love christmas, even its meaning has shifted for me. the priest asked what brought everyone there tonight and i thought to myself "UG" but then i decided it was my love for UG and i decided the correct answer was love. that love brought us here, that christmas means love, and even if right now i cant attach it to a love for jesus, its fine by me.

all_thepromises @ 2005-12-16T22:28:00

2005-12-17T04:27:29Z

my legs are cold.

maybe its because i shaved them today and theyre not used to being without that insulation layer.

sometimes im really gross.

i just came back from fancy eating at h2o with cara and neens. i wasnt going to go. i felt unseemingly large and the last thing i want to do when im feeling unseemingly large is go out to eat (and spend copious amounts of money on it, on top of everything).

i went anyway.

i got some really good sushi. turns out i like eel. (who knew?) i shared a nice pinot grigio with cara. wine always starts really good and ends up burning the back of my tongue. drinking wine can make me feel so young and so old at the same time. i sat across from cara and nena when we got to the table. i thought this could maybe be symbolic. i realized i was grasping at straws. sometimes things are just good.

like my beautiful friendship with andrew. he just called me to tell me that he watched, as an intro into nip/tuck, probably one of the most disturbing episodes. if you ask me, what nip/tuck has been missing all this time is some good old fashioned s&m. but thats neither here nor there. it made me laugh. nip/tuck is the soapiest of all soaps and i feel that if andrew can share my love for it, we can spend hours upon hours watching the seasons.

i think im going to celebrate christmas this year by finally watching the extended edition of the return of the king. its been sitting on my dvd shelf, waiting for me to pick it up.

i think im going to end up with a gamer guy. if ive learned anything from the jts boys and their magic the gathering, its that i kind of really love gamer guys. this was further proven when i went to buy mario party 7 at game stop (because im the best sister in the whole wide world) and i chatted it up with the employee. we're pretty much in love. i kind of love everyone. ive been keeping a notebook of love, documenting every time i collapse into it. on wednesday i fell in love six times. one with this enchanting little girl that i saw dancing in the mall. then with peter jackson (sigh) then with adrien brody and colin hanks (SIGH) and jamie bell and king kong. how many is that? five. OH and the girl in front of me in the line for taco bell. she was so gracious. i respect that. yesterday i only fell in love twice, but it was a workday and we were slow.

im leaving for new zealand in about two weeks. my itinerary is as follows:

jan 3- leave newark at 3 30 pm.
jan 5- arrive in wellington at 9 00 am
(i KNOW)
jan 5-8: wellington
jan 8-11: hamilton/rotorua/waitomo caves
jan 11-15: christchurch/mt cook
jan 15-17: back to wellington
jan 17- leave wellington at 5 30 pm
jan 17 - arrive in la at 10 30 am
(I KNOW)
and finally, i will arrive in newark at 9 pm.

i cant wait to travel into the future and then back into the past.

maybe ill meet some really interesting people. maybe (probably) ill meet a hobbit! maybe its a rule that i can only have sex outside of the US. i hope its not a rule that i can only have sex with swedes who are unforgivably ghetto and call videos "wideos", but as of now its looking like it is.

i really really really miss emily.

i dont want to go to work tomorrow

(i never do)

and you know what?

i do not have the patience, nor do i have the energy, to play these guessing games. i am good at some things; hard to get is not one of them.

i try not to dwell on this shortcoming too much.

all_thepromises @ 2005-12-01T23:34:00

2005-12-02T04:45:27Z

what a super fantastic past couple of days.

caitlins surprise dinner was a success. that, or shes a talented actress. i was sitting at the edge of the table wishing (in vain) that i were a good photographer, all the while taking enough mental snapshots to remember forever and ever how happy i am right now.

all_thepromises @ 2005-11-29T08:26:00

2005-11-30T00:16:42Z

listening to otis redding sing about a white christmas makes me long for a little soul added to my christmas this year. i think my christmases have been lacking soul for quite some time.

man, i love otis redding. i wish he could sing to me every minute of every day.

this christmas season finds me craving not religion specifically, but god. or faith in general. i will always love christmas for the happiness and the excitement and the generosity and the nostalgia, but it would be nice to go back to loving it for what its really about. i wish i would feel something when i sing oh holy night at the top of my lungs, like i used to. it makes me feel horribly cynical. and no one wants to be cynical at christmastime.

right now im just stalling because i still havent cleaned my room.

STILL.

oh ok so heres whats what: about two weeks into february, this little house on the corner of mayfair will be the home of neens and neens and neens and cara. we got the final approval from the bank yesterday, and cara and caitlin will be moving in. my sister will be moving upstairs. and i really wont be doing anything but watching it happen and maybe lending a hand every now and then. but theoretically, i could close my door, do whatever it is i do in my room, open my door, and find myself in THE HOUSE OF MY DREAMS.

now for the poll. on the topic of dogs, we should live with:
1. chelsea
2. brandy
3. boots
4. none of the above, because its mean to separate them

there are so many factors really. the volume of hair that is shed, the color of hair that is shed, the size of dog, the amount of slobber, the protection value, the all around demeanor, the energy required for upkeep, the skulking.

when it all comes down to it, i think i love boots the most.

the bad news is im not going to london. i dont even really know how it happened. i do know i dont want to talk about it.

the good news is i am going to new zealand.

jesus, ari. clean your room.

all_thepromises @ 2005-11-20T14:15:00

2005-11-21T05:51:26Z

tonight i felt fat for the first time in a long time

fat like

unforgivably
incapacitatingly
unrelentingly
one step forward, two steps back
fat

i know i will feel better about it tomorrow. i know i just have to sleep it off. but then what about tomorrow night? i will have to go through it all over again. all it takes is one bad day and the idea of eating three meals tomorrow is the most frightening task.

i talked to caitlin about it. i love caitlin because she doesnt have to solve things to make me feel better, she just lets me know im not alone in feeling this.

heres something i wrote last night.

+++

it was their last night in this foreign place that had, in a week, become their home. she was well aware that tonight she would be the supporting female to her best friend's lead and she found a comfort in that knowledge. her hands wrapped around the base of a glass of disaronno on the rocks with a casualness that would lead one to believe she had been drinking this drink for years. she almost believed it herself.

emily, further along in the drinking game, fell once again into the seat across from her.

"ok. whats the deal?"

she hid her tired eyes behind her hands.

"well that guy with the messenger bag? he likes my hat. he pulled me aside and told me. 'i like your hat.' just like that. where the fuck is avy?"

"avy's making the drinks we keep drinking. now, what about messenger bag guy?"

she looked across the table for a moment and then was gone.

supporting actress smiled. she considered following but knew that her friend would return the moment avy (or Messenger Bag) was unsatisfactory. she closed her eyes. she did not want to think of tomorrow. she did not want to think of goodbyes to the bartending boys, the limetree hotel, victoria station. she did not want to think of saying goodbye to emily. her hands found the glass which found her lips and she tried to picture a map of the world and see herself on this side of the ocean.

"excuse me, im sorry, are you american?"

she opened her eyes. she had only briefly seen the owner of the voice before when he had made a passing remark to the two girls. he was what she imagined every british man to be, as opposed to the british boys she had met thus far. his head was nearly shaven. looking to be in his mid 30s, the look could either be a valiant defiance of early onset male pattern baldness, or perhaps a simple style preference. she suspected the former. he wore a blazer and jeans and a fairly worn-in set of vans. he was by himself in a bar that surrounded him with people much less his age, but it was her last night in london and there was no time to waste judging.

"yes, actually, i am"

"i thought so. whereabouts in america are you from?"

"new york. well, i am. my friend, the girl who was just here-- shes from arizona."

"interesting. and your name is?"

"arianna. yours?"

"steve"

she smiled.

"i wonder, arianna, if it would be possible for me to join you?"

at this moment, this stranger named steve managed to make her feel more like a woman and less like a girl than she had felt in quite some time.

"absolutely"

++++

i think i want to finish this little blurby thing because it was actually one of my best memories of the trip. i never wrote anything about london in my journal except for the stuff i wrote while i was there, so ive been adding little bits of this kind of crap here and there.

i think its time for bed.

all_thepromises @ 2005-10-19T11:55:00

2005-10-19T22:13:01Z

i got so emo walking home from work today. i thought about how much i love long island and how much i love the fall and the leaves and the nesconset library and my friends and how they visit me at work and how i think that my body is made up of 98% love and i guess 2% panic that there is just too much to love in the world and no time to do it all.

and then i was thinking about how much im going to miss everything come january. here is what i will miss, physically, as in i wont be there to witness it:

my sisters graduation
the birth of lori's daughter
my parents 25th anniversary

im a horrible, selfish person.

maybe ill fly home in the summer for the anniversary. my sister and i were supposed to be planning a big surprise party. that our boyfriends were going to help us plan. (we're going to have the best boyfriends)

THERES TOO MUCH TO BE DONE. i need omnipresence. i demand it.

all_thepromises @ 2005-10-16T00:30:00

2005-10-16T04:52:09Z

i have been inspired by a certain insatiable girl named jenna and her stream of consciousness.

it has been a very long time since i felt as good as i did tonight with andrew on our fancy fancy dinner sometimes i think my heart will burst because of how deeply i care about him. also i think my heart will burst when i think about where i am today and where ive been and it made me so happy to hear andrew's honest opinions on what im choosing to do because i respect him so much. the people i care about, the people who matter, are all behind me on this and i think that thats all i need. i am so happy. so so happy and i think of the time i went for a walk with andrew while we were eating ralphs, and he told me that one day i will be happy and not in a way that im happy because ive accepted being depressed but that i will just be happy and i think that is coming along soon, i can feel it and my heart is racing because of it. one time i wrote in my actual journal "i wonder if when everyone else eats, theres so much screaming going on" and i read back on it and cried because i remember the desperation and the hopelessness and i cried because theres no screaming anymore, sometimes theres barely a murmur. i dont know when things started to fit but they did. i feel like this huge part of my life that i didnt even remember existed has been given back to me. i love eating. every day i love choosing from the menu at jts and not being scared. i love not being scared. sometimes i am, but its happening less and less. i still dont think im ready to be with anyone because i know- i KNOW- that i cant try to make sure that someone will find me attractive, i know what will happen, i know i cant do that until i am absolutely fearless and confident, and im ok with the fact that that isnt now. this girl came into jts the other day and she was the thinnest skinniest boniest girl ive ever seen and i could see it in her face, i recognized what i used to be, and instead of being jealous that she was so much better at keeping up with the disorder than i am, i was so sad. i couldnt wait on her. i couldnt hear her ordering a sliced banana for breakfast and knowing what she was thinking and how she was counting and weighing and screaming screaming screaming. i still scream in my dreams sometimes, because i know that not everyone believes i am better, but i dont know how to convince them and i DO know that i dont have to. id like to get back in touch with gillian. when i left mather, i gave her a note saying that more than anything i hoped she would find her happiness. i wonder if she has. i hope she has. i think im going to write a letter to daria saying most of this stuff but in a much more organized manner. daria saved my life. but so did taylor and andrew and emily and amy and caitlin and nena and everyone. im excited about london because now i get to take charge and do the saving of my own life. im such a melodramatic asshole. but at least i know it and own it.

i have been so blessed <3

all_thepromises @ 2005-10-14T18:13:00

2005-10-14T23:12:15Z

i feel like i cant stress enough how long it will be before i drink again. i STILL feel like shit and looking back at this morning, i think i woke up drunk. lordy. but it was fun. i woke up this morning at 9 30, threw up (which is really how i like to start every morning), and then was blessed by the tv gods because i turned it on and love actually was JUST STARTING.

dear god i love that movie.

pretty soon laurel woke up and came out in her underwear to tell me about a dream she had of swimming in a pool with gisele, leo, and elle macpherson. i knew right away that i liked her. she joined me on the futon to watch love actually. then jenna woke up, but she had to leave to drop something off with her friend. being a really good guest, i didnt go with her; i opted to stay a little longer on the futon. then we finished the movie and i cried, because i always do when you find out, wait, AURELIA learned ENGLISH?

(aside: that movie is 100% an impossibility. a man will not fall for the frumpy girl who has secretly loved him for two years, two people who have never spoken to each other in the same language will not just get married on a whim, and not even a little boy in love would come out of such an airport security breach with just two angry looking officers as a result. BUT it will always make me appreciate how romantic a winter romance is, especially with otis redding and norah jones as a soundtrack. and it will always, always make me hate my life.)

ANYWAY. then soula woke up and we talked about the events that went down the prior night. and laughed. we waited for jenna to come back from her errands, went to clinton st baking company (i think?) and i had the BEST salad ive ever had to wait 40 minutes for.

the point of the story is I HAD SO MUCH FUN. i've really missed jenna's company. even though she poisoned me with those takeout margaritas. (i might throw up again.) and her roommates are such a good time. im actually entirely jealous of the sweet life she lives, but at least i get to stop by and visit it sometimes.

on the way back to penn i stopped at american apparel and spent a quick 80 dollars. im such an asshole. its thin, dyed cotton. i like the stuff i got though. i really want to get the guts to buy this velour jumpsuit thing they have. so fucking hot. where would i go with it? i have no idea. somewhere. in the meanwhile, it would be hanging up in my room so i could look at it all the time.

walking around the city alone, transferring subways, buying hot dogs and making jokes with the guy who sells them to me all make me even more excited about what my life in london will be like.

i

cant

wait.

and in other news:

ANDREWS HOME! <3

all_thepromises @ 2005-01-23T21:25:00

2005-01-24T02:32:11Z

i love caitlneens and chris ped because they continue to be my friends even when im a nocturnal hermit.

<3

all_thepromises @ 2005-01-22T07:56:00

2005-01-22T12:56:44Z

7:56 am and i think my head is clearing.

what a wonderful thing.

all_thepromises @ 2005-01-21T20:26:00

2005-01-22T01:26:56Z

oh george michael <333

credit to this girl: www.livejournal.com/~pessimistchick

blizzard tomorrow. who else is excited??!